handjob tips. give me some.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
