Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
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Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.