peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday