i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
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What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
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We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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