you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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