need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
