Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
