I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
