i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
