Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
