you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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