nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
