I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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