when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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