foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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