my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
