I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
