I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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