Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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