Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How does it feel to date your dad?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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