a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
