i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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