I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
