I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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