i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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