I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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