I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You may now shotgun with the bride
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
