explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
