I will die if light touches me.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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