I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
