Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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