lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
