Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
