I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
