Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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