If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
