I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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