I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
