Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
