he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
