you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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