seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
