you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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