I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
