i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this beer tastes like vomit already
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
