I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
