i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
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I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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