Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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