Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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