I have demons in me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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