I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
