paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
