So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
