So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Boobs speak an international language.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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