I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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