Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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