I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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