Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
